First Draft
She didn't think it would be this bad. No one did.
It was one of those nights where the clouds seemed pulled like cotton balls until they were barely holding together. Also hanging the sky was the large full moon that seemed darker than usual. In Santa Fe, California, the parents of young 4 year old Jessie had called a babysitter to take care of their precious daughter. The babysitter, Teresa, was an old family friend that they trusted with their life.
An hour passed and Teresa arrived at their household. The parents thanked her dearly, and began walking out the door.
"We'll be back around 11, make sure she's in bed before," said the father. The mother once again thanked her for coming on short notice.
Since Teresa and and Jessie were already acquainted, they gave each other large hugs, and began playing board games. The game lasted about an hour before Jessie began to get hungry. Teresa set up a large chicken dinner, where the wonderful aroma reached upstairs. Jessie excitedly came to the table, and began eating fericiously.
"This is great!" Jessie exclaimed.
"It was my mother's recipe." Teresa replied. There wasn't much conversation after, as the delicious food was more of a priority for them. It was about 7 o'clock, and Teresa thought it was an appropriate time for Jessie to get ready for bed.
"Wait, can't I have some ice cream first?" Jessie insisted. Teresa didn't think there was a problem with the idea, since there was still a lot of time before she had to be in bed.
"The ice cream is down in the basement, in the freezer. There are also some ice cream toppings in the cabinet above it." Jessie said happily. Teresa made her way to the basement door and opened it. Almost immediately, she smelled an awful odor that smelled like sulfur. Strange, she thought to herself, I would think it would be less dusty. She made her way to the freezer and grabbed the large carton of cookie dough ice cream. She peered out the window and saw a little girl standing outside. She had tattered clothing and her eyes were bloodshot. She wore a long red cape that looked to be newer than the other dirty clothes. She seemed to be staring right at Teresa. Creepy, Teresa thought. She quickly ran upstairs, not looking back into the eerie basement. She came back to the dinner table, finding Jessie sucking on her fingers.
“Here’s the ice cream, please eat quickly because you're already up late.” Teresa said tersely, still a little frightened from the basement.
“But you forgot the sprinkles!” Jessie exclaimed. Teresa suddenly felt a gut feeling in her stomach to back into the basement. She cautiously walked back to the basement door. She opened the door slowly and the smell of rotten eggs once again surprised her. She advanced to the freezer, but before she opened the freezer door, she once again saw the same little girl with the red cape, with a knife in her hand. Feeling terror, she got the sprinkles and ran back into the dining hall, intending to call the police. She gave the sprinkles to the Jessie and reached for the phone.
“But you forgot the cherry on top! I told you to bring it,” yelled Jessie. Teresa found herself shaking. She had to call the police, but something was stopping her. I have to go back down, thought Teresa. I need to see the little girl in the cape again. She put the phone down, and ran back into the basement, keeping the strange little girl in her mind. She grabbed the cherries from the cabinet, not looking out the mirror. Come on, look out the window! Her gut told her. Don't, her brain said promptly. She took a quick peek out the window and saw the same little girl smiling at her. Her hand clutched the knife, which now had blood splattered on it. Teresa made a quick decision and dropped the cherries and ran upstairs to check on Jessie.
Teresa arrived and found Jessie dead. Her entire face was mangled so it was unrecognizable, but Teresa knew it was her. Teresa silently wept to herself, and began shaking uncontrollably. She once again reached for the phone and called the police.
About an hour later, the police arrived, as did the parents of Jessie. Pictures were taken of the crime scene, and dozens of police officers were scouting the house looking for signs of a break in. A tall police officer approached Teresa and the parents, and began asking Teresa questions on what had happened.
“W-well, we were eating dinner, and then J-Jessie asked for ice cream. I went downstairs into the basement, opened the freezer, and looked out the window to see a little girl with a bright red c-cape, and a knife in her hand.”
“Huh?” The mother said. “We don’t have windows in the basement.. Only mirrors.”
Second Draft
The Girl in the Red Cape
She didn't think it would go this far. No one did.
It was one of those nights where the clouds looked like someone had pulled them to appear as strained cotton balls. A full moon was out tonight, glistening the sky with an unusual dark light. In Santa Fe, California, the parents of young four year old Jessie had called a babysitter to take care of their beloved daughter. The babysitter, Teresa, was an old family friend that they trusted with their lives.
An hour passed and Teresa arrived at their house. The parents thanked her eagerly and began walking out the door.
"We'll be back around 11, make sure she's in bed before," articulated the father. The mother once again thanked her for coming on such short notice.
Since Teresa and Jessie were already acquainted, they gave each other warm hugs and began playing board games. The game lasted about an hour before Jessie began to get hungry. Teresa prepared a large dinner, where the wonderful aroma reached upstairs. Jessie excitedly came to the table and began eating ferociously.
"This is great! Yummy yummy in my tummy!" Jessie exclaimed.
"It was my great grandmother's recipe," Teresa replied happily. There wasn't much conversation after, as the delicious food was more of a priority for them. Jessie gobbled her food like a vicious dog, and licked her lips when she was finished. It was about 7 o'clock, and Teresa thought it was an appropriate time for Jessie to get ready for bed.
"Wait, can I have some ice cream first?" Jessie insisted. Teresa didn't think there was anything wrong with the idea, since there was still remaining time before she had to be in bed.
"The ice cream is downstairs in the basement, in the freezer. There are also some ice cream toppings in the cabinet above it," Jessie expressed happily. Teresa made her way to the basement door and opened it. Almost immediately, she smelled an awful odor that smelled like sulfur. Her nose immediately scrunched, and her eyebrows frowned. Strange, she thought to herself, I would think it would be less dusty. She made her way to the freezer and grabbed the large carton of cookie dough ice cream.
She peered out the window with a short glance and was surprised by what she saw. A little girl was standing outside of the window looking in. She had a pale face that seemed angry. Her round eyes were strained and bloodshot, which was strange because she was no older than 10 years old. The girl had tattered clothing that was ripped and torn. She wore no shoes, and Teresa can see that blisters covered her entire foot. Her long blonde hair covered her slouching shoulders. A long cape she wore around her head was as clean as a room in a mental asylum. The cape resembled a bloodlike color that frightened Teresa. It seemed not to match with her other clothes, as it was much newer.
Creepy, Teresa thought. She quickly ran upstairs, not looking back into the eerie basement. She arrived at the dinner table, finding Jessie sucking on her fingers.
“Here’s the ice cream, buddy! Please, please, please, eat quickly because you're already up late.” Teresa said tersely, still frightened from the basement.
“But you forgot the sprinkles and the cherry!” Jessie hollered. Teresa suddenly felt an urge to go back into the basement. She nodded quickly and began making her way towards the basement without even realizing it. She opened the door slowly, and the smell of rotten eggs once again surprised her. She advanced to the freezer, but before she opened the freezer door, she once again saw the same little girl with the red cape, but this time with a knife in her hand. The knife looked like a butcher knife; One she would always see in horror movies, but never in real life. Feeling terror, she got the sprinkles and ran back into the dining hall, intending to call the police. She gave the sprinkles to Jessie and reached for the phone.
“But you forgot the cherry on top! I told you to bring it,” yelled Jessie. Teresa found herself shaking. She had to call the police, but something was stopping her. I have to go back down, thought Teresa. I need to see the little girl in the cape again. She put the phone down, and ran back into the basement, keeping the strange little girl in mind. She grabbed the cherries from the cabinet, not looking out the window. Come on, look out the window! Her gut told her. Don't, her brain said promptly. She gave in, and took a quick peek out the window and saw the same little girl smirking at her. Her hand clutched the knife, which now had blood splattered on it. She saw the blood drip down the knife, slowly trickling down. She could practically hear the dripping noise that emerged from the knife. The face of the girl looked the same as before, but this time a large grin appeared on her face. Her teeth were rotted and seemed to be dirty after a long time of not cleaning them; as if the little girl was living in a forest. Teresa tried to look away, but her eyes were fixed on the strange little girl. Her heart was pumping with so much adrenaline. Teresa made a quick decision, dropped the cherries, and ran upstairs to check on Jessie.
Teresa sprinted back upstairs and found Jessie dead. Her entire face was mangled so it was unrecognizable, but Teresa knew it was her. Teresa silently wept to herself, and began shaking uncontrollably. She once again reached for the phone and called the police.
About 20 minutes later, the police arrived, as did the parents of Jessie. Pictures were taken of the crime scene, and dozens of police officers were scouting the house looking for signs of a break in. A tall police officer approached Teresa and the parents, and began asking Teresa questions on what had happened.
“I should've just called the police. I can't believe I didn't follow my own common sense," She bawled, and then continued the story "W-well, we were eating dinner, and then J-Jessie asked for ice cream." Teresa had difficulties holding in her tears. "Then, I went downstairs into the basement, opened the freezer, and I looked out the window to see a little girl, I do not recognize, with a strange red c-cape, and a knife in her hand.”
“Huh?” The mother stuttered. “We don’t have windows in the basement.. Only mirrors.”
Reflection
As you can see from the difference of both drafts, I have changed a lot. I used much more descriptive words to support my text, which I think greatly improved it. Furthermore, I also focused on a few parts of the story where I amplified it and made it very descriptive. As you can see in the first one, I did not amplify anything, but in the second one I really tried to improve my text and make it interesting. I think what went well in the short story was my overall improvement. I think I started in one place, and ended in the far side of the other. I also think I learned many things in the process such as how to show not tell. At the same time, this was difficult for me to change my ways. I have always written in a not-so-descriptive way, and to now alter the way I write was pretty difficult. Something else that was difficult was the fact that I was torn between two stories. I wanted to write about something that happened to me, but I didn't think I could expand on it, and add a moral. I do think the story I have now is much more developed and stronger than the first draft of the other story. Overall, I think this whole experience taught me a lot along the way.
